In any marriage there is going to be conflict. It would be unrealistic to expect otherwise. There does, however, come a point where normal conflict spills over boundaries and becomes abuse. Spousal abuse is sadly all too common in today’s society, and it is no longer just a boy’s club. More and more cases of the wife being the abusive party are recorded every year.
Now granted, the men still have the monopoly on abuse, but it is entirely possible for a wife to abuse her husband. It isn’t talked about much, partly because it is less common, and no doubt in part because few men are willing to admit to it. However, women are every bit as capable of being abusive as men, and the damage done is just as deep, just as long term, and just as hard to recover from.
To clarify, abuse does not necessarily mean striking or beating physically. It can also refer to other forms such as emotional, mental, and verbal, and women are more likely to use these forms of abuse than they are to become physical.
Emotional abuse typically begins as a form of blackmail. A disagreement may be had where the wife accuses the husband of not loving her. If he truly loved her, he would disagree or be so adversarial. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but repeated over and over ad nauseam over the course of months or years, it can be a powerfully demoralizing and punishing tactic.
Screaming fits, uncontrolled rage, and other forms of abuse are also problems. In some cases, this may be attributed to a disorder known as IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), where the part in question demonstrates a disproportional emotional reaction to a given situation.
There does come a time where the husband needs to do what is best for him. Women are constantly encouraged to get out of abusive relationships, yet for some reason men are not normally extended the same courtesy. Make no mistake, abuse is abuse, no matter which party inflicts it, and there comes a time where you have to make the decision to leave.
Don’t buy into the hyperbole that many women use to maintain some level of control. They may say “you’re no good” or “you’ll never amount to anything” or “you won’t make it without me”. Well, you are, you will, and you can. Don’t let the negativity drag you down.
Before the time comes to actually make your escape, you need to make plans. Don’t rush headlong into it unprepared.
You should open a separate bank account in your name, ideally at a different bank from your joint account. Arrange to have your paycheck direct deposited into that account. Some spouses wipe the account clean. Do not do this. Withdraw the half of the money you are entitled to, but no more. Taking the high road will only make you look good if this ends up in court.
Remove personal items or valuables to a secure location. Things which mean a lot to you may be destroyed in a temper tantrum thrown by your wife over your leaving. Get them out of the house one or two at a time, over the course of a few weeks. These are usually treated as separate property by the courts, meaning she will have no grounds to reclaim them later.
If your wife has ever threatened you with false reports of domestic violence or called the police on a fabricated charge, make sure local law enforcement is aware of this and your plan to leave. Some suggest actually having law enforcement present when you remove yourself and your belongings from the premises. I recommend making the physical move when she is at work or out of the house for an extended period.
Be honest with your children. If you live in an abusive home, don’t presume for a minute that your children don’t know. They do. They have either seen or heard it. Tell them why you are doing this, but avoid bad mouthing your spouse. Being honest is one thing, but keep it from getting personal.
Disengage from your wife. This is harder than it sounds, particularly if you have been in the relationship for a long time. Resist the urge to answer all of her calls or e-mails. Let it wait until it is convenient for you. When you must communicate, keep it short and limited to the business at hand. You do not have to listen to further bad mouthing or put downs. Do not hesitate to hang up if this happens.
Be honest about your situation. Many men in situations like this become experts at either making excuses for their wife’s behavior, or hiding it effectively. People will want to talk to you about what happened, and if you choose to engage, be honest. Again don’t bad mouth, but don’t be afraid to expose what was.
She is also likely to carry out a smear campaign against you with mutual friends, family, your kids’ teachers, doctors, pastors, etc. Defend yourself with the truth. Do not sensationalize and most certainly do not make things up. Simply stick to the truth.
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